Not Enough
by s h r a d e r p
Summary: You can't stop the future. You can't rewind the past. The only way to learn the secret... is to press play. / or, a box of tapes is spread around like a chain letter just a day after Jade West's death from self-destruction.
1. The Day Before

**Disclaimer: **I still don't own anything. This story is heavily based on the book _Thirteen Reasons Why _by Jay Asher.

**Author's note: **This chapter's written in Jade's point of view. The next chapters will be written in another character's point of view (Beck, maybe?). Give me some feedback and tell me if you like it, so I know if I should continue or not. Enjoy reading c:

* * *

I look at myself in the side mirror. A few days ago, I had cut my hair. Now it hangs just a little below my shoulders. No colored streaks, no nothing.

My mother's car stops. I unstrap my seatbelt and slide my bag higher up my shoulder. My mother reaches over for a hug, and I return it – because I know this might be the last time I'll ever hug her.

She pulls away after a few seconds, confusion etched across her face. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Have a great day at work."

She smiles. "Thank you, Jade. You have a great day too."

I manage to smile back. I could tell what she's thinking – _maybe she's changing for the better_, and I could tell she's satisfied at how polite I'm being.

"Oh," she gives a little start. "I almost forgot. Your father and I will be home late again. I'm sorry, honey."

_Why now? Why does it matter now? When were you ever home on time? _

"It's fine," I say as I get out of the car. "I gotta go, Mom."

"Bye, honey."

"Bye. Love you." I'm surprised at how easily the words came out. "Um, take care."

"You too." She gives me another smile and drives away.

I turn around and walk into the school building. I take a deep breath and walk through the doors. I've planned it all out; it'll be just like a normal school day, and everybody will treat me like the way they do on a normal day at school. The only difference is that only I know that this will be my last day at Hollywood Arts.

My best friend Cat comes up to me. "Hi Jade!"

"Hey, Cat," I say. I smile at her, holding back my tears. If I cry, she'll surely cry too. She's that kind of girl.

It may not seem like it, but I love her. I appreciate how she persevered to be my friend, even though I'm difficult. We've been best friends for almost seven years, and I can't think of a time when she went astray.

Oh wait. I can, actually. When Tori Vega, aka Little Miss Perfect, came to this school, she practically stole everything from me. My boyfriend and my friends, the attention that everyone used to give to me, the recognition… she stole it all.

"I have to tell you this really funny joke," Cat says with a big smile.

I smile again. "Okay, go ahead."

"What do you call a fish with a tie?" she asks, her grin growing wider.

"What?"

"SoFISHticated!" she says loudly before laughing again.

I laugh with her. Oh wow. I'd forgotten how good it feels to let myself be genuinely happy. "Oh my God, that was actually really funny."

"Thank you, Jadey!" she says. "You're the only one who laughed at my joke. Everyone's so mean to me."

"They're stupid," I tell her. "Don't worry about them."

Cat giggles in response.

I see Beck, my ex-boyfriend, staring at me. I offer him a small smile. He looks away. His current girlfriend Tori, however, smiles at me – I know it's fake; she never liked me – so I don't return it. She took my place. Just weeks ago, I was the one holding his hand. I was the one kissing him in the hallway near his locker.

But I guess he finally got sick of me, just like I predicted.

Casually, Andre and Robbie walk up to me and Cat.

"Hi," Robbie greets, and Cat and I both smile at him a little.

"What's up, amigirls?" Andre asks with a small grin.

"Looking hotter than ever, girls," Rex remarks.

Ever since the breakup, Rex had been making less crude comments about me. And Robbie manned up and stuck up for me – now he's a little less scared of me, we even share jokes from time to time. He acted like a brother; not necessarily an older or younger one, just a brother. In my book, he's a cool guy. Same goes for Andre. When Beck broke up with me, they had both been there, letting me cry on their shoulders at times. They listened to every rant and comforted me. Andre didn't take advantage of the situation and make a move, no. They simply wanted to be there for me. And I appreciate that. It might have something to do with Andre liking Tori, and Robbie wanting to be close to Cat, but they were still great friends at the time. Even now.

"Not much. I'm so bored, I actually want to stab my face with scissors," I say to throw them off. Suddenly acting too nice will give everything away – Andre and Robbie will know something's up. And Cat, well, she'll think it's weird.

"Graphic," Rex says. Robbie shrugs instead of telling the puppet off.

"I have a joke!" Cat pipes up. "What do you call a fis—"

"You already told us, Little Red," Andre tells her nicely.

"It's funny though," Robbie amends (and Cat's face lit up like a little Christmas tree).

"Yay!"

The bell rings and everyone scrambles to start walking to class, except the four of us. After they get their things from their lockers, they start to walk too.

I stay behind.

"Aren't you going?" Andre asks me. Count on him to always notice, to not make me feel invisible. _Thank you, Andre._

"Oh, I gotta talk to Lane," I tell him. And it's true. Not because I'm in trouble, but for a different reason. "Tell Sikowitz."

"Sure thing," he says, smiling. "What did you do this time?"

And on impulse, I hug him. I hope everything I want to tell him somehow gets incorporated in the hug.

"Oh," he says, surprised. "Are you okay, Jade?"

I think of the tapes I have in my bag and the recorder inside my sweater, which is still not on. Yet. "Yeah, I am. Is it bad to hug a friend?"

"Nah. But I'm running late," he says jokingly.

I let go of him and hug Robbie. And then Cat. "Bye, you guys."

"Bye Jadey!" Cat says, optimistic as always.

I watch them walk away (Cat skips) until they disappear into a turn, and make my way to Lane's office.

I walk with my head down. I turn a corner and bump into someone. Beck.

"I'm sorry."

He only nods and walks away. I wait for him to be completely out of earshot. When it's finally silent, I pause outside Lane's door. Just before I enter the room, I turn on the recorder.

"One last try," I whisper, putting it close to my lips. Then I conceal it in my sweater once again.

**.**

I walk out of the guidance counsellor's office, taking the recorder out.

"He's letting me go," I say. "I think I've made myself clear, but no one's stepping forward to stop me."

I can't wait to get on with it. Get on with it, like he told me to. "A lot of you cared… _just not enough_. And that…that's what I needed to find out."

"And I did find out," I speak through the lump in my throat.

I walk even faster.

"And I'm sorry." I say before turning off the recorder. I take the tape out and put it in the box of a few others.

* * *

"It should arrive at the address tomorrow," the clerk at the post office tells me. "Do you want your receipt?"

"No." I have no use for it.

I walk all the way home, my thoughts overwhelming me. When I reach my house, I don't bother locking the front door and run straight to my room.

I breathe in, look around, and lie in my bed for a few minutes. _Is this what I want?_

Yes. It is. I get up and step into the bathroom, my tape recorder with me. I switch it on and stand in front of the mirror.

"Just so no one gets blamed or anything… this is me. Jade West. If anyone comes across this – I'm pretty sure someone will – hey. So, again, this isn't a spur-of-the-moment decision. Why am I doing this? Because I just can't go on living because it's _pointless_. My life is pointless. I'm pointless." I pause. "Also, I'd like to say thank you to anyone who's ever been there for me. You know who you are. So thank you. And I'm sorry."

My reflection stares back at me.

I toss the recorder aside. Where did it land? Will someone see it? When? It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. _Nothingnothingnothing_.

I pry open the medicine cabinet behind the mirror. The bottle of pills sits there – Tylenol? Sleeping pills? I don't know. I don't care. I grab it and take the cap off.

I blink away the tears that threaten to spill.

"Love always, Jade."


	2. Beck

**Disclaimer: **it's nEVER GONNA HAPPEN :-(

* * *

Have you ever woken up and felt like something wasn't right, but you can't think of anything that could have gone wrong? Like the calm before a storm?

That's what I feel, like something, somewhere, has gone wrong. I drove to school with that heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I had dismissed it as nervousness for an audition I'm having today.

I'm late for Sikowitz's class. All because a stupid cricket was in my RV _again_. I drop to my knees and open my locker then grab my stuff and close it. I stand up only to see Cat walking past. She's alone, and I think that's odd, because she's with Jade almost all the time. She looks like a mess. Her hair was unkempt and her clothes weren't put together properly. Her eyes were swollen and red-rimmed. Her cheeks and nose were flushed red.  
I chase after her. "Cat? Are you okay?"  
She stops walking. She turns around and stares at me, angry and miserable and hurt. She runs to the girls' bathroom.  
_What was that?_

I walk into Sikowitz's classroom, but he's not there, so everyone's out of their seats and chatting. I look around for Jade. I'm not entirely sure why. I don't see her – it's probably why Cat was crying. Maybe they had a fight or maybe Jade was at home, sick. Cat always cries when her best friend was sick.

Tori smiles at me when I sit beside her. "Hey! Why are you late?"  
"A cricket," I say.  
"Again?"

I nod, and she starts talking about calling bug exterminators. Halfway through her sentence, the PA crackles to life and for a few moments, all we hear is static.  
"All staff and students, please head to the assembly auditorium," Principal Eikner finally says. He pauses, like he's unsure of what to say. "For an announcement."

**.**

Almost all of Hollywood Arts is in the assembly auditorium, and it's suffocating and noisy.

Robbie and Rex sit at the very end of our row, trying to be comfortable. Cat sits between him and Andre, tears still streaming down her cheeks. I sit beside Andre, and Tori sits beside me. Trina sits next to her, at the other end of the row.

Principal Eikner walks onto the stage and everyone falls silent. He clears his throat. "I guess there's no other way to say this… It is with a heavy heart that I announce the death of Jade West just last night."

The entire auditorium is so silent that Cat's sobs sound amplified.

I can't breathe.

Sikowitz joins the principal on the stage. He's what Jade calls—no, _called_ a 'second father' since she's been in Hollywood Arts for so long and he's taught her for most of her time in the school, thus being like a father figure to her.  
"We have lost a very talented young woman," he says. "I, myself, rue not being able to do anything, but she was in pain. I know—" his voice breaks. He sighs. "I know I'll always keep her in my heart."

It was quiet – no one knew what to say about a beautiful girl who died.

**.**

"How?"

We're in the classroom again, dead silent. Cat cries on Tori's shoulder. Andre sits in a corner, his head in his hands. Robbie paces near the window, tears rolling down his face, his puppet lay forgotten in his seat. I'm rooted on the spot.

"How?" I repeat.

"Suicide," Sikowitz says, his voice gruff. "Took pills."

My mind is reeling.

I can't believe it. Jade West is gone. Jade West committed suicide.

"You knew, Cat," I say, my voice shaking. "And you didn't say anything."  
"I couldn't!" Cat yells. "I'm hurting, Beck!"  
"Stop," Robbie says weakly.  
"You think it's just you?" I yell back. "Well I'm hurting too! More than you know!"  
"If you didn't—"  
"Stop it!" Robbie shouts. "Just stop!"  
"I hate you! I hate all of you so much!" Cat screams, shaking. She looks at every one of us before running away.

Later that day, I find her in the janitor's closet. I sit next to her silently – like speaking would shatter both of us to pieces. She buries her face in my chest. She catches her breath and chokes out, "I want Jadey!"  
"I know, Cat," I say, because that's all I can think to say. "I know."

We cry for who knows how long.

When we finally get out of the janitor's closet, it was five minutes to lunchtime. Cat tugs me with her to the Asphalt Café, to the table where Tori and I sit. Two tables away from where Jade sat alone, sometimes with Cat, Andre and Robbie. She sat alone, picking at her shirt or reading a book or pretending to eat.

And what did I do?

I chose Tori over her, just because I was sick of the fighting, the ranting, and the way she took it out on me. I chose to not disprove every bad rumor about her. I chose to toy around with her feelings when I found out she was insecure about other girls. I chose to break up with her, and I chose to break the promises of forever. I chose to ignore her every time she waved or smiled at me, and I chose to blow her off every time she said "Can we hang out or something _as friends_,'cause I really need to talk to you."

I chose to pretend I didn't notice, I didn't care, even when the signs were all there – cutting her hair, wearing 'normal' clothes, giving her things to Cat, losing an unhealthy amount of weight, the long sleeves and baggy sweaters even though it's summer – I chose to, all because of a fucking reputation.

I chose to end our relationship through a damn door, creating this whole… snowball effect.

I don't like my choices.

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a/n: pls review i have to feed the plot bunnies


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